Shifts….

Its been almost 2 weeks since we’ve moved out. I am so grateful for the opportunity to live alone with my husband again, and not have to cater to the demands of my capable father who I am realizing has been “pretending” to be weaker than he was, in order to get the attention we so willingly gave for almost a year since he moved down here.

From a mystical perspective,  I am grateful to him for creating the perfect scenario that allowed me to accept the idea of moving out in the first place. I think back to the chain of events that lead to our move and often wonder if I would have agreed to move out if he sat me down and had a heart-to-heart talk on his desires to live alone.  Nonetheless, I am happy that things are the way they are now. And I am seeing the shift as a result of us all getting what we want.  I have my life back with my husband now, and my father has the freedom to do as he pleases without having to look deep enough within to recognize his power struggles with my husband and his insecurities around not having me to himself.

Last night, I visited him and as soon as he opened the door and saw me, he reached out to hug me. This took me by surprise as he rarely showed me any affection while we were living together. His grip on me was firm – I knew he was missing me and that he was grateful that I visited. This is a huge shift since just last week, he complained that I had no time for him, instead of seeing that I DID make time for him by visiting.

I am done having any kind of expectations from my father. At least this is how I feel in the current moment. And I am putting out the intent and energy that he will have no expectations on me.

I have also been very aware of my thoughts and feelings towards him. I was away on a business trip and out of the blue, felt this panic that I had not spoken to my father in a while. Right away, on instinct (as I would always do before), I grabbed my phone with the intent to call him, and then realized that my co-dependency kicked in and was the one dialing his number. Immediately, I put the phone down and did not call him. I will not revert back to my old patterns of seeking approval for him in order to feel worthy. I am conscious of visiting and/or calling him only when I feel like talking to him – not when I feel like my worthiness is at stake.