Getting Burned Out

I am so desperately trying to find peace with my father that it’s burning me out. What am I doing wrong? Perhaps I’m trying too hard. Maybe my desperation is just agitating things. Whatever it is, I just want the pain to stop. I am now clearly seeing how my father is a projection of myself. In my father, I am starting to feel the energy within myself that is weak, wants to beat myself up, and completely criticizes me. I want it all to stop. But I really don’t know how. No matter what I do, my father will never be happy. Why can’t I accept that? Perhaps because I am not accepting my own lack of happiness? Why does the universe give such abstract lessons? I want it spelled out for me. I thought I was doing really well by recognizing my father as a gift, by creating humor out of the things he does to gain back power, but that is not enough because I really don’t feel like I’ve moved forward.

So many books, CDs, and spiritual teachers suggest that we understand and have compassion for what our parents have gone through. My friend Neil also reminds me that without my father, I would not be alive. But what does that mean? Am I obligated to suffer over his unhappiness forever? Because that doesn’t really seem worth my birth.

I have never felt so confused in my entire life. I feel trapped and worn out, sad, frustrated and most of all, I feel like a failure. I had the expectation that I would turn my father’s life around and give him the best years of his elderly life. Now what seems to be happening is that I seem to be making life miserable for himself and me.

I know I feel responsible for his happiness. I can feel that I do. A few weeks ago, I realized that a core issue of mine was that I needed to support him in order to win his love. I came to the conclusion that I didn’t need his love if I found the love within me. I thought I let go of him. But I guess I haven’t because I am sad that we are not getting along.

I just want to fix things. I want to have a happy life. With or without him, I want to be happy. But I feel stuck with him. He’s not like a spouse or a boyfriend that I can just leave.

A book I read suggests that, in moments of resistance, to ask oneself: “What if this was all ok?” Well, lets see….. what IF my current relationship with my father was all ok? What would that look like? Well… if it was ok, I would not be triggered. I would be neutral and happy regardless of how he behaved. Would I cater to his beck and call? Probably not, because I wouldn’t be around to hear him complain and demand me of things.

What I need to do is just get the hell out of my shit. I am NOT responsible for his happiness. If I don’t take care of myself first, I can’t take care of anyone else.

I don’t even know how the hell to start taking care of myself. The only thing I know is how to read other peoples desires and try to meet them as much as possible so I will be liked. I am not sure how to change around that pattern.

IF this situation was all ok, I would feel my fear and be ok with it. I would feel my pain and be ok with it. I would feel my frustration and be ok with it. Life works in cycles: winter, spring, summer, and fall.  People tend to resist winter. I resisted winter all my life until I learned how to use the snow to have fun. Hm…. maybe this time can be used in the same way.