Today, while I was out, my father snapped yet again. As my husband was working on his laptop in the kitchen, my father walked in the room and told him to get a job. Naturally, my husband reacted and told him that it was none of his business what he was doing. My father then became this 6 year old “wannabe” bully and started singing insulting remarks to him, and laughing as if trying to ridicule him. Of course, my husband continued to be triggered with anger.
When I heard this, I was floored. I mean, none of it surprised me, but I guess I had still expected that my father would be more mature than this. Not sure what his motive was other than to provoke pain in someone else in order to gain back his power. I can see that he is feeling pretty powerless, otherwise he wouldn’t resort to such childish motives to gain power back. Everyday is a new adventure with him. And each day, I accept him as he is more and more.
Here is how I see him. He’s a cute, tiny 82 year old man. A significant part of him has not grown up yet. This part of him probably remains a little boy because he hasn’t been taken care of the way a little boy should be. So he waits it out, hoping an instant parent will show up to care for him the way his real parents didn’t. The other part of him has grown up. But he just didn’t grow up. He grew up resentfully and cautiously. He kept his heart closed in order to protect himself, and he carried the story that he is unworthy and doesn’t deserve to be taken care of, with him to his old age.
But the little boy inside him is still waiting to be cared for, which is the reason for his childish outbursts. This child in him is also the reason for his flexibility to forgive. For this, i have to commend him. He may be a grump most of the time, but his ability to let things go is astounding. Of course he doesn’t let go of everything, but he does learn to move forward, almost by living the moment… when one minute he will be yelling at me, and the next minute, I will hug him and he will stop yelling to hug me back and give and receive love. Just like a child. They will cry when a toy is taken away, only to convert that sadness into a smile, the minute they receive a new toy to play with.
Perhaps my dad is not as complicated as I might think he is at times. He just wants to be loved in ways that he can recognize the love. That’s all.
Adventures with my Elderly Father 